Why We Struggle to Change (And the Simple Fix That Works)
I used to think change was about willpower.
If I wanted to exercise more, eat better, focus longer, or wake up earlier, I just had to try harder. Push through resistance. Be disciplined.
I told myself, “Just do it. No excuses.”
And for a while, it worked. I’d wake up early, go to the gym, power through tasks, and feel like I was finally winning at life.
But then, inevitably, I’d slip. One skipped workout. One late night. One missed deadline.
And every time I failed, I didn’t just feel unmotivated—I felt stuck. Like I just wasn’t the type of person who could stick to things.
Then I learned something that changed everything:
We don’t fail because we’re lazy. We fail because we rely on willpower instead of identity.
Why “Trying Harder” Never Works
Think about this:
Two people are offered a cigarette.
- The first person says, “No thanks, I’m trying to quit.”
- The second person says, “No thanks, I don’t smoke.”
The first still sees themselves as a smoker fighting temptation. The second has already rewritten their identity.
- The first person is using willpower—constantly resisting.
- The second person doesn’t need willpower because their identity has shifted.
That’s why most habits fail.
We focus on changing actions instead of changing who we are.
The Identity-Based Approach to Change
Instead of relying on motivation or discipline, I started shifting my identity first.
Every action we take is a vote for the type of person we want to become.
- If I show up at the gym, I’m casting votes for becoming a fit person.
- If I write consistently, I’m becoming a writer.
- If I procrastinate, I’m reinforcing the identity of someone who avoids challenges.
I had to stop seeing habits as things I do and start seeing them as things that define who I am.
How I’m Rewiring My Brain for Lasting Change
I started with small identity shifts:
- Instead of “I should exercise more,” I tell myself “I’m the kind of person who moves every day.”
- Instead of “I need to focus better,” I remind myself “I’m someone who works with deep focus.”
- Instead of “I need to stop procrastinating,” I say “I’m the type of person who takes action immediately.”
At first, it felt fake. But here’s the key:
The brain hates cognitive dissonance.
When you tell yourself you are something, you subconsciously start acting like it.
- If I tell myself I’m someone who moves every day, it feels wrong to sit on the couch all day.
- If I see myself as a deep worker, it feels unnatural to check my phone every five minutes.
- If I’m the type of person who takes action immediately, procrastination feels out of character.
It’s not about forcing myself to change. It’s about making the new behavior feel like who I am.
The Difference Between Trying and Being
I used to say:
- “I’m trying to exercise more.”
- “I’m trying to focus better.”
- “I’m trying to wake up earlier.”
Now I say:
- “I’m a person who moves every day.”
- “I’m someone who works with focus.”
- “I’m the kind of person who gets up early.”
The first set is about effort. The second set is about identity.
And identity is powerful. It sticks. It changes how you see yourself. And how you see yourself changes your actions.
The Takeaway
Willpower is unreliable.
Motivation fades.
But identity sticks.
If you want to change something, don’t start with what you do.
Start with who you are.
- Want to read more? Become a reader.
- Want to be healthier? Become the kind of person who prioritizes health.
- Want to write more? Become a writer, even before you’re “good” at it.
Because the truth is:
We don’t act consistently with our goals. We act consistently with our identity.
Change who you are, and the actions will follow.